When You Don’t Feel Faithful, Joyful, or Triumphant

O come let us adore Him. We all know the song. But how does it start? O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant...Wait...what?

So that disqualifies me.

Faithful? No...I have faltered in unbelief. I have avoided the hard questions. I have avoided spending time in His Word. I have looked to broken cisterns to satisfy my longing. I have forsaken the fountain of living water. Faithful...not me.

Joyful? No...I have sunk down into grief and self-pity. I cuddle up to misery like its my only friend. Ungrateful and hopeless. Refusing to lift my eyes. Joyful...not me.

Triumphant? No...I haven’t won the battles. I’ve let the enemy right into the camp. I have given him footholds in my heart by the ways I have continued to keep area’s unsurrendered to the Lord. I have those besetting sins, that I have given over to again and again. Triumphant...not me.

So come? No I don’t think I will. I won’t come. I can’t. I have no right to visit the scene angels sing of. I don’t belong there.

That is how I have been feeling all week. Hurting deeply and driving myself further and further away. I was in the “Christmas” spirit for a while there...before these last two weeks...but then I screwed up terribly. I lost it. I became unfaithful, depressed, and defeated.

And honestly, I want to come...but that song keeps rolling through my head. And I look at the way I have acted...And I start pushing away again.

So where’s the hope in all of this? What you might be thinking is grace, grace...right? You need to come and be forgiven and cleansed. But that’s not enough. I’m still disqualified. I’m still not faithful, joyful, or triumphant. Even in repentance, all that happens is removal of sin. I’m still not on the guest list.

If I were to show up, I would need to be under someone else’s name. I would need to take on their labels of faithful, joyful, and triumphant. Because I have none of my own. But really nobody would let me do that. And even if they would let me come in their place, nobody really carries all those labels. So it’s impossible.

But then I read this promise from John 6:37... “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”

So, trembling...I come. What else can I do? Where else can I turn to? I have to come.

And you know what? The Lord of the feast has provided for me already. He takes me, and sets upon me the labels of faithful, joyful, and triumphant. But where did they come from? From His pierced hands and wounded sides. I see He gave His life, to clothe me in His precious righteousness. He purchased those labels for me. And only in Him can I ever hope to be clothed like that.

So the amazing truth is, we have to come just as we are...and the King of Kings transforms us Himself...He places on us the titles that allow us to remain. He is Faithful, Joyful, and Triumphant...and in Him…so am I now too.

So dear friend...together, lets take our eyes off ourselves...right now. Let's rejoice in the hope He has provided.

O, come let us adore Him...

I Miss You

I miss you.

And those words sound strange.

Like a shot gone crooked,

Or someone missed their train.

I miss you.

But it doesn’t fit at all,

The feeling inside me

That makes me want to call.

Call out your name

And scream out the distance.

Pull back the boundaries

Shed my own secret resistance.

Because I’m really scared

Of this whole story.

As if something broke here

And that it will always be empty.

I miss you.

But it doesn’t sound the same.

My words seem hollow

Like an empty picture frame.

I miss you.

A thousand times a day.

But I shut down

And grieve.

And then find another way.

Another way to still press forward.

Another way to stand.

Another way to trust the Almighty,

And place this in His hands.

OVERWHELMED

Wednesdays are my “overwhelmed” days. It's the middle of the week and I've already hit the ground running. But then it's like I look up and around at all the deadlines and failures and grades and pressures...and suddenly I start sinking. “What was I thinking? I can't do this!”

Have you ever had those moments?

In the middle of our overwhelmed moments, Christ stays the same. And in the middle of our realized weakness (which had really been there the whole time), He still says “My grace is sufficient” (2 Cor 12:9).

So I can lean in instead of freak out today. And I can keep breathing, knowing God's grace never stopped being enough! Have faith in Him! He never leaves His own!

Matthew 14:30-31
“But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ 31 Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, ‘You of little faith, why did you doubt?’”

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days when, I woke up with a hundred pounds of weight already on my shoulder. Do you know what I'm talking about? Your feet don't even hit the floor yet and your eyes are already filling with tears...your muscles are tense...and your mind is spinning.

And of course, I was stressing over my classes...over some family heartaches...friends that had broken my heart recently with their anti-God behavior and attitude...over deadlines... responsibilities...weaknesses... fatigue...and I could keep going. You probably have your own list right now.

By the time I got my prayer journal out, all I wanted to do was lament and cry out for mercy under these burdens (and there is a place for that)...But instead, the Holy Spirit stirred in my heart the quiet suggestion "Melanie, why don't you write out some things to be thankful for this morning."

What?? Thankful?? I don't want to be thankful! I want relief from the weight of all these burdens! But the Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart.

So I started with the good things that I could for sure be thankful for. You know, provision, protection, and general blessings in my life right now. The easy stuff.

More tugging...

So I took it a step further and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to work through the sinful areas in my heart that all these trials were revealing. And for the good He promises to produce in me, through enduring fiery trials. The hard stuff.

More tugging...

Then this realization all of the sudden flooded over me. I should be most thankful for the Gospel!

The Gospel means that I can come to God in the first place. The Gospel means that Christ not only suffered just for my sin, but He also suffered to be my sympathetic High Priest (Heb 2:17-18). Which means He is with me and compassionate towards me as I walk through this painful world. He knows my weakness as I face hard temptations. And He is able to fully cleanse me of each and every one of my sins. There is no greater news than that. Because there is no greater problem for humankind, then our standing before a Holy God, and His position towards us as we live our lives.

So today...I can be encouraged. And no matter how burdened I am...I can have hope. GREAT HOPE!

Because my biggest problem, has already been taken care of.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matt 11:28

Change

Today is the two year anniversary of my stepping through the doors of Vision of Hope (yes, two years). And I want to say a few things about change.

Let me just say upfront that I was never ever ever even considering staying this long when I filled out that application and decided to give this program a try. You want to know how long I had decided to give it? 9 months exactly. Not a day more! That was my plan right up until month number 8. That's when God shook my world and got a hold of my heart. He shattered my own ideas and showed me how to surrender to His plan.

You see, I wanted change to just happen quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. I didn’t want to work hard, I didn’t want to fail, and I didn’t want to persevere through a long process. I wanted everything “fixed” right away. But true change doesn’t happen that way. True change starts at the heart level. It starts with surrender. With a gentle Shepherd who calls us to take up our cross and follow Him. And it’s as simple as that. Just walking with Him and choosing to do things His way every day. When we do that, He changes us.

If you have never read Hannah Hurnard’s book, Hind’s Feet on High Places, I would suggest getting yourself a copy right now! That book gives such a helpful picture of change and growth and the daily walk on the Shepherd’s path. You see, the main character, Much Afraid, decides that she wants to change. She already knows the Shepherd, but her feet are cripple and her face is mangled because of her fearful nature. She wants to leap on the Mountains of Love with her Shepherd instead of limping with fear in the Valley of Humiliation. Her faithful Shepherd answers her desire by taking her on this incredibly long and painful journey. And the companions He gives her to help and guide her, are named Sorrow and Suffering. She walks through the Valley of Loss, the Precipice of Injury, and the Shores of Loneliness...just to name a few. She is on track with the Shepherd’s own special remedy for change. And slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, she truly changes.

It has been a long and, in many ways, painful two years. I have wanted to quit more times then I can count. I have not always been able to see what God is doing or how He is changing me, because sometimes, everything just looked like a mess to me. And I am not even now as changed as I would like to be in all areas of my life. But the good news is, my journey isn’t finished, and my faithful Shepherd isn’t done. And as long as I continue to surrender to Him day to day and walk with Him His way, He will complete the work He started in me. And when I fail and stumble, as I often do, He is right at my side ready to pick me up, teach me, and tenderly lead me.

Do you want to change? Do you know the Shepherd Christ Jesus? Are you fully surrendered to Him? These are questions to ask yourself daily as you move forward. Not everyone needs a program like Vision of Hope to help them find true change. But everyone needs to be fully surrendered to the Lord. And when we truly work hard to trust Him, He will take care of the rest.

And seriously, get that book :)! My favorite version is this audiobook.

Seen

Sometimes I wonder,

What do You see?

When You look at my heart,

And examine me.

Do You see the confusion--

Soiled efforts to understand;

When I want to control,

But I can’t trace Your hand?

Do You see all the darkness--

There, still alive;

My evil desires,

That inside of me fight?

Do You see the self-pity--

My worst attitude;

Thoughts of despair

When I don’t hope in You?

Do You see my feet wander--

Back to those old ties;

To worship my idols,

And feast on my lies?

Do You see my attempts--

To hide from Your Light;

To isolate, hide, and withdraw

From what’s right?

Do You see me Father?

Have You set Your love upon this sinner?

Yes, You have loved me.

You love me still.

By Your blood You atone;

You have redeemed me.

Bought back and precious--

And that’s what You see.

His Child

Look at me--

Filthy

Clinging to sin.

Look at me--

Foolish

Broken again.

Look at me--

Wicked

Guilty and stained.

Look at me--

Worthless

Consumed with my pain.

This is the child

You see here today,

Rebellious and willful.

Still wanting her own way.

This is the sinner

You say You have loved,

Closed up and cold.

Treating lightly Your blood

And not only that

But You’ll also see

That I can do nothing--

I don’t have the remedy.

I cannot promise to mend all my ways

To be better still

Or redeem those lost days.

I cannot attempt to pay for my guilt

Not the whole of my being

Could take care of the bill.

So here I stand

With nothing to do.

Nowhere else to land.

Nothing could reach me here

Even though others hold out their hands.

This is how I feel

And it consumes me.

But is it all more real

Or does truth elude me.

And am I stuck because my eyes

Are only on me.

Look to Him--

He stands

Ready to save

Look to Him--

He lives

And has conquered the grave.

Look to Him--

He hears

Every tear stained prayer.

Look to Him--

He made you

And for every detail He cares.

He knows every shadow

Each sin in my heart.

Yet He still says there’s nothing

That can tear us apart.

Because despite every

Remaining sin

He has conquered them all

And He lives within.

So you see nothing I do

And nothing I am.

Can ever risk my falling

Out of His strong hand.

Five Minute Friday Link up: Breathe

Breathe.

Like a calm reminder making its way into my heart today.

Breathe.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Breathe.

Let every fear, doubt, worry, pain, grief, and sorrow...rest here.

Your breath belongs to Me, child.

And I will carry you safely under My wings.

Breathe.

And trust Me.

Breathe.

And follow Me.

Even if it doesn't make sense.

Even if you find the path difficult.

Even if you lose sight of Me for just a little while.

I haven't left you, child.

I am in the midst of all of this.

And I will never leave you.

So breathe.

http://katemotaung.com/2017/02/02/five-minute-friday-breathe-lisa-jo-baker/

Dear Memories

Dear memories, I can't decide

if you are friend or foe.

Whether I can let you stay with me,

Or somehow force you to go.

One minute I feel the warmth you provide,

the glimpse back into better times.

The next I feel your sting cut deep,

pressing hot tears to fill my eyes.

The aftertaste brings the lump to my throat.

Remembering has a high cost.

The sting is re-tasting, re-feeling, re-living...

The pain, the hurt, and the loss.

Mingled inside treasured thoughts

of the past,

Is always that bite

that those times couldn't last.

The grief of the loss

is revisited here.

The shadow of loved ones

who no longer appear.

So memories, I can't decide

if you are friend or foe.

Whether I can let you stay with me,

or somehow force you to go.

But when I can't remember,

that is painful too.

When fractured pictures tease my mind

And I can't remember you.

When I lose the sound of your sweet voice.

When I forget the way you smiled,

And the warmth found in your hugs,

All trapped by haze within my mind.

But this, my hope, is still!

That memories on earth 

don't need to be consuming.

For in Your plan You will,

Our Heavenly Father be.

And tune our hearts 

the more each day

to think on eternity.

In His Arms

I run, I sin,

I fall apart.

Coldness and numbness

fill my heart.

Am I safe in His arms?

Temptations come knocking

to kill and destroy;

To entice me away, and

to claw at my joy.

Am I safe in His arms?

Fear mocks and derides me.

Pride scoffs and it scorns.

No sympathy comes,

but only more thorns.

Am I safe in His arms?

The doubts and the fears

make their case very well.

My head wants to listen,

my eyes with tears swell.

Am I safe in His arms?

How easy it would be

to doubt all He's done.

To go my own way

and again from Him run.

My hands at their ready,

heart planning to flee.

I don't want to listen,

I just want relief.

But then I look up.

And I see there His face.

I stop and I beg Him

to answer me this.

Am I safe in His arms?

Instead of harsh words

or the firmest reproof,

He opens my eyes--

gently whispers His truth.

He shows me the scars

That prove what He's done--

suffered and bled

as the innocent One.

These hands I now questioned,

These same were stretched far

to pay for my sins and

lift judgment from bar.

This same sovereign Lord

that I doubt and mistrust;

had planned this whole rescue--

redemption, for us.

He tells me I'm loved.

He tells me I'm safe.

That nothing, no nothing,

can outweigh His grace.

My heart still in turmoil

But still on my knees;

looks again at these truths

And for help from Him pleas.

To trust Him alone

I still could not do.

No matter how hard

I stared at the truth.

I see that You love me

I cried out in tears.

But still I fought hard,

and clung to my fears.

Am I safe in His arms?

Then He bent down again

and did something quite strange.

He wounded me, broke me

and put me in pain.

Not vicious or vengeful

was this touch of His.

More tearful and knowing--

A mark of His grace.

For this wound He inflicted,

made me fall apart.

It made my pride crumble.

It softened my heart.

And then without feeling

My questions full hope;

I found myself forced,

to reach out for truth's rope.

I looked up again

And saw what I'd missed.

I was in His arms.

And I am His. 

Waiting on the Lord

I wait.

For a sign or reason--

some kind of push.

I wait.

For a hope or joy,

or a small breath behind me.

But I am still weak,

I am still doubting,

I am still scared

of things crashing around me.

Is this really the spot You want me to be?

Is courage the wrong thing to say that I need?

So here I am crying,

But turning to You.

Not knowing the answers,

But knowing You do.

Learning to trust

with the weight still upon me.

Learning to walk

while it's still dark and cloudy.

Learning to hope

when it's all still a strain.

Knowing You love me

That You know my frame.

Nothing is easy

right here in this place.

Here where I must

simply cry out for grace.

Trust through the pain.

Faith while it rains.

Here while I'm waiting,

for You.

Hand in Hand

It starts

The first wave breaking

past my head.

My soul knocked down,

My heart in dread.

The next wave pushes

even more--

My feet in chaos

My lungs are sore.

The next wave crashes

like glass on tile.

It shatters my hold.

It sets me on fire.

Again, again, again

they break,

over my soul,

there is no wake.

Again, again, again

I drowned.

Trapped in the water.

Ripped from the ground.

Then all at once

I look up and see

Someone walking--

coming straight towards me.

It is my Savior,

And I cry out His name!

He reaches His hand out

As the waves fall again.

Then as I clasp my hand

right in His--

I find somehow all of

the noise grows dim.

Because all of a sudden

I'm fixed on His face--

Caught by His love.

Held by His grace.

The waves are still there

infact stronger still.

But I'm not forsaken,

I am not killed.

Instead I am walking

still tightly in hand,

with the God of the sea

with the ruler of man.

And He holds me still

And I watch His face.

And kneel during battle

And sing of His grace.

"...We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed..." 2 Cor 4:8a

Both Healed and Released

The Hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can’t let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I know He can heal me;

I know I'll be cleansed.

But I can't bring my filth here;

I'm unclean within.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I press through the crowds,

I sneak my hand in.

I reach for His garment;

I search for His hem.

Then suddenly feeling,

Deep from within,

A sudden while cleansing--

A new hope begin.

I shrink away quickly,

Content with this lift.

I got what I came for,

His healing was swift.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

“Who touched me?”

He questions, as I start to shake.

He knows what has happened,

I can't run away.

I kneel down and tremble,

I tell of if it all.

How I dared not to bother;

Just sought secret balm.

Then He looked at me closely,

He softened His face.

He spoke the word “daughter”

And outpoured His grace.

“Your Faith, it has healed you,

Go now in Peace.”

And I am His child now

Healed AND released.

See its not enough only

To seek out release;

Or to want only healing

And miss the real peace.

The Savior will call you

Out of your dark hole.

He’'ll hold you and teach you

That there’s so much more.

Within the word “daughter”

The true secret lay.

A heart fully captured

And thankful to stay.