The news breaks over me as I read the words on my phone screen.
I stop.
I read again.
Confused.
I read again.
In pain.
I read again.
As if reading it more would change the words and end the bad dream.
I close the phone.
I close my eyes.
And I face loss again.
I start to look for something to do.
Someone to tell. Something to fix it.
But I stop and instead move forward with my day.
And now I sit.
And now I face loss again.
I've walked a similar path before.
I have met this strange thief.
The sorrow and pain of something you cherish being ripped from your hands.
And now I face loss again.
Before when I faced it.
I turned right from God.
I blamed Him and shook my fist at His so called care.
I turned to myself to take over His throne and I found sin to numb me instead.
And now I face loss again.
Before when I faced it.
I doubted His love.
I called Him a liar--I told Him I'm done.
Done trusting in Him and done believing His Word.
And now I face loss again.
Is it different this time?
Am I still wanting to run?
Is it different this time?
In my heart will I turn from the Holy One?
The One who in all things has kept me in Him.
Who has sheltered and held me even when.
I spat on Him, mocked Him, and rebelled form His Word.
I hated Him, and used every pain He allowed as fuel to judge Him a liar.
As He emptied my hands--I balled them in fists.
I fought and I clamored.
His care did resist.
And where has it gotten me?
My first taste of pain.
My rebellion left me empty.
Soaked through with hard rain.
And now I face loss again.
Will I run or will I stay?
Whose voice will I choose to follow today?
