Waiting on the Lord

I wait.

For a sign or reason--

some kind of push.

I wait.

For a hope or joy,

or a small breath behind me.

But I am still weak,

I am still doubting,

I am still scared

of things crashing around me.

Is this really the spot You want me to be?

Is courage the wrong thing to say that I need?

So here I am crying,

But turning to You.

Not knowing the answers,

But knowing You do.

Learning to trust

with the weight still upon me.

Learning to walk

while it's still dark and cloudy.

Learning to hope

when it's all still a strain.

Knowing You love me

That You know my frame.

Nothing is easy

right here in this place.

Here where I must

simply cry out for grace.

Trust through the pain.

Faith while it rains.

Here while I'm waiting,

for You.

Hand in Hand

It starts

The first wave breaking

past my head.

My soul knocked down,

My heart in dread.

The next wave pushes

even more--

My feet in chaos

My lungs are sore.

The next wave crashes

like glass on tile.

It shatters my hold.

It sets me on fire.

Again, again, again

they break,

over my soul,

there is no wake.

Again, again, again

I drowned.

Trapped in the water.

Ripped from the ground.

Then all at once

I look up and see

Someone walking--

coming straight towards me.

It is my Savior,

And I cry out His name!

He reaches His hand out

As the waves fall again.

Then as I clasp my hand

right in His--

I find somehow all of

the noise grows dim.

Because all of a sudden

I'm fixed on His face--

Caught by His love.

Held by His grace.

The waves are still there

infact stronger still.

But I'm not forsaken,

I am not killed.

Instead I am walking

still tightly in hand,

with the God of the sea

with the ruler of man.

And He holds me still

And I watch His face.

And kneel during battle

And sing of His grace.

"...We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed..." 2 Cor 4:8a

Both Healed and Released

The Hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can’t let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I know He can heal me;

I know I'll be cleansed.

But I can't bring my filth here;

I'm unclean within.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I press through the crowds,

I sneak my hand in.

I reach for His garment;

I search for His hem.

Then suddenly feeling,

Deep from within,

A sudden while cleansing--

A new hope begin.

I shrink away quickly,

Content with this lift.

I got what I came for,

His healing was swift.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

“Who touched me?”

He questions, as I start to shake.

He knows what has happened,

I can't run away.

I kneel down and tremble,

I tell of if it all.

How I dared not to bother;

Just sought secret balm.

Then He looked at me closely,

He softened His face.

He spoke the word “daughter”

And outpoured His grace.

“Your Faith, it has healed you,

Go now in Peace.”

And I am His child now

Healed AND released.

See its not enough only

To seek out release;

Or to want only healing

And miss the real peace.

The Savior will call you

Out of your dark hole.

He’'ll hold you and teach you

That there’s so much more.

Within the word “daughter”

The true secret lay.

A heart fully captured

And thankful to stay.

Facing Loss Again

The news breaks over me as I read the words on my phone screen.

I stop.

I read again.

Confused.

I read again.

In pain.

I read again.

As if reading it more would change the words and end the bad dream.

I close the phone.

I close my eyes.

And I face loss again.

I start to look for something to do.

Someone to tell. Something to fix it.

But I stop and instead move forward with my day. 

And now I sit.

And now I face loss again.

I've walked a similar path before.

I have met this strange thief.

The sorrow and pain of something you cherish being ripped from your hands.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I turned right from God.

I blamed Him and shook my fist at His so called care.

I turned to myself to take over His throne and I found sin to numb me instead.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I doubted His love.

I called Him a liar--I told Him I'm done.

Done trusting in Him and done believing His Word. 

And now I face loss again.

Is it different this time?

Am I still wanting to run?

Is it different this time?

In my heart will I turn from the Holy One?

The One who in all things has kept me in Him.

Who has sheltered and held me even when.

I spat on Him, mocked Him, and rebelled form His Word.

I hated Him, and used every pain He allowed as fuel to judge Him a liar.

As He emptied my hands--I balled them in fists.

I fought and I clamored.

His care did resist.

And where has it gotten me?

My first taste of pain.

My rebellion left me empty.

Soaked through with hard rain.

And now I face loss again.

Will I run or will I stay?

Whose voice will I choose to follow today?