When You Don’t Feel Faithful, Joyful, or Triumphant

O come let us adore Him. We all know the song. But how does it start? O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant...Wait...what?

So that disqualifies me.

Faithful? No...I have faltered in unbelief. I have avoided the hard questions. I have avoided spending time in His Word. I have looked to broken cisterns to satisfy my longing. I have forsaken the fountain of living water. Faithful...not me.

Joyful? No...I have sunk down into grief and self-pity. I cuddle up to misery like its my only friend. Ungrateful and hopeless. Refusing to lift my eyes. Joyful...not me.

Triumphant? No...I haven’t won the battles. I’ve let the enemy right into the camp. I have given him footholds in my heart by the ways I have continued to keep area’s unsurrendered to the Lord. I have those besetting sins, that I have given over to again and again. Triumphant...not me.

So come? No I don’t think I will. I won’t come. I can’t. I have no right to visit the scene angels sing of. I don’t belong there.

That is how I have been feeling all week. Hurting deeply and driving myself further and further away. I was in the “Christmas” spirit for a while there...before these last two weeks...but then I screwed up terribly. I lost it. I became unfaithful, depressed, and defeated.

And honestly, I want to come...but that song keeps rolling through my head. And I look at the way I have acted...And I start pushing away again.

So where’s the hope in all of this? What you might be thinking is grace, grace...right? You need to come and be forgiven and cleansed. But that’s not enough. I’m still disqualified. I’m still not faithful, joyful, or triumphant. Even in repentance, all that happens is removal of sin. I’m still not on the guest list.

If I were to show up, I would need to be under someone else’s name. I would need to take on their labels of faithful, joyful, and triumphant. Because I have none of my own. But really nobody would let me do that. And even if they would let me come in their place, nobody really carries all those labels. So it’s impossible.

But then I read this promise from John 6:37... “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”

So, trembling...I come. What else can I do? Where else can I turn to? I have to come.

And you know what? The Lord of the feast has provided for me already. He takes me, and sets upon me the labels of faithful, joyful, and triumphant. But where did they come from? From His pierced hands and wounded sides. I see He gave His life, to clothe me in His precious righteousness. He purchased those labels for me. And only in Him can I ever hope to be clothed like that.

So the amazing truth is, we have to come just as we are...and the King of Kings transforms us Himself...He places on us the titles that allow us to remain. He is Faithful, Joyful, and Triumphant...and in Him…so am I now too.

So dear friend...together, lets take our eyes off ourselves...right now. Let's rejoice in the hope He has provided.

O, come let us adore Him...

I Miss You

I miss you.

And those words sound strange.

Like a shot gone crooked,

Or someone missed their train.

I miss you.

But it doesn’t fit at all,

The feeling inside me

That makes me want to call.

Call out your name

And scream out the distance.

Pull back the boundaries

Shed my own secret resistance.

Because I’m really scared

Of this whole story.

As if something broke here

And that it will always be empty.

I miss you.

But it doesn’t sound the same.

My words seem hollow

Like an empty picture frame.

I miss you.

A thousand times a day.

But I shut down

And grieve.

And then find another way.

Another way to still press forward.

Another way to stand.

Another way to trust the Almighty,

And place this in His hands.

OVERWHELMED

Wednesdays are my “overwhelmed” days. It's the middle of the week and I've already hit the ground running. But then it's like I look up and around at all the deadlines and failures and grades and pressures...and suddenly I start sinking. “What was I thinking? I can't do this!”

Have you ever had those moments?

In the middle of our overwhelmed moments, Christ stays the same. And in the middle of our realized weakness (which had really been there the whole time), He still says “My grace is sufficient” (2 Cor 12:9).

So I can lean in instead of freak out today. And I can keep breathing, knowing God's grace never stopped being enough! Have faith in Him! He never leaves His own!

Matthew 14:30-31
“But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ 31 Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, ‘You of little faith, why did you doubt?’”

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days when, I woke up with a hundred pounds of weight already on my shoulder. Do you know what I'm talking about? Your feet don't even hit the floor yet and your eyes are already filling with tears...your muscles are tense...and your mind is spinning.

And of course, I was stressing over my classes...over some family heartaches...friends that had broken my heart recently with their anti-God behavior and attitude...over deadlines... responsibilities...weaknesses... fatigue...and I could keep going. You probably have your own list right now.

By the time I got my prayer journal out, all I wanted to do was lament and cry out for mercy under these burdens (and there is a place for that)...But instead, the Holy Spirit stirred in my heart the quiet suggestion "Melanie, why don't you write out some things to be thankful for this morning."

What?? Thankful?? I don't want to be thankful! I want relief from the weight of all these burdens! But the Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart.

So I started with the good things that I could for sure be thankful for. You know, provision, protection, and general blessings in my life right now. The easy stuff.

More tugging...

So I took it a step further and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to work through the sinful areas in my heart that all these trials were revealing. And for the good He promises to produce in me, through enduring fiery trials. The hard stuff.

More tugging...

Then this realization all of the sudden flooded over me. I should be most thankful for the Gospel!

The Gospel means that I can come to God in the first place. The Gospel means that Christ not only suffered just for my sin, but He also suffered to be my sympathetic High Priest (Heb 2:17-18). Which means He is with me and compassionate towards me as I walk through this painful world. He knows my weakness as I face hard temptations. And He is able to fully cleanse me of each and every one of my sins. There is no greater news than that. Because there is no greater problem for humankind, then our standing before a Holy God, and His position towards us as we live our lives.

So today...I can be encouraged. And no matter how burdened I am...I can have hope. GREAT HOPE!

Because my biggest problem, has already been taken care of.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matt 11:28

Change

Today is the two year anniversary of my stepping through the doors of Vision of Hope (yes, two years). And I want to say a few things about change.

Let me just say upfront that I was never ever ever even considering staying this long when I filled out that application and decided to give this program a try. You want to know how long I had decided to give it? 9 months exactly. Not a day more! That was my plan right up until month number 8. That's when God shook my world and got a hold of my heart. He shattered my own ideas and showed me how to surrender to His plan.

You see, I wanted change to just happen quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. I didn’t want to work hard, I didn’t want to fail, and I didn’t want to persevere through a long process. I wanted everything “fixed” right away. But true change doesn’t happen that way. True change starts at the heart level. It starts with surrender. With a gentle Shepherd who calls us to take up our cross and follow Him. And it’s as simple as that. Just walking with Him and choosing to do things His way every day. When we do that, He changes us.

If you have never read Hannah Hurnard’s book, Hind’s Feet on High Places, I would suggest getting yourself a copy right now! That book gives such a helpful picture of change and growth and the daily walk on the Shepherd’s path. You see, the main character, Much Afraid, decides that she wants to change. She already knows the Shepherd, but her feet are cripple and her face is mangled because of her fearful nature. She wants to leap on the Mountains of Love with her Shepherd instead of limping with fear in the Valley of Humiliation. Her faithful Shepherd answers her desire by taking her on this incredibly long and painful journey. And the companions He gives her to help and guide her, are named Sorrow and Suffering. She walks through the Valley of Loss, the Precipice of Injury, and the Shores of Loneliness...just to name a few. She is on track with the Shepherd’s own special remedy for change. And slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, she truly changes.

It has been a long and, in many ways, painful two years. I have wanted to quit more times then I can count. I have not always been able to see what God is doing or how He is changing me, because sometimes, everything just looked like a mess to me. And I am not even now as changed as I would like to be in all areas of my life. But the good news is, my journey isn’t finished, and my faithful Shepherd isn’t done. And as long as I continue to surrender to Him day to day and walk with Him His way, He will complete the work He started in me. And when I fail and stumble, as I often do, He is right at my side ready to pick me up, teach me, and tenderly lead me.

Do you want to change? Do you know the Shepherd Christ Jesus? Are you fully surrendered to Him? These are questions to ask yourself daily as you move forward. Not everyone needs a program like Vision of Hope to help them find true change. But everyone needs to be fully surrendered to the Lord. And when we truly work hard to trust Him, He will take care of the rest.

And seriously, get that book :)! My favorite version is this audiobook.

Seen

Sometimes I wonder,

What do You see?

When You look at my heart,

And examine me.

Do You see the confusion--

Soiled efforts to understand;

When I want to control,

But I can’t trace Your hand?

Do You see all the darkness--

There, still alive;

My evil desires,

That inside of me fight?

Do You see the self-pity--

My worst attitude;

Thoughts of despair

When I don’t hope in You?

Do You see my feet wander--

Back to those old ties;

To worship my idols,

And feast on my lies?

Do You see my attempts--

To hide from Your Light;

To isolate, hide, and withdraw

From what’s right?

Do You see me Father?

Have You set Your love upon this sinner?

Yes, You have loved me.

You love me still.

By Your blood You atone;

You have redeemed me.

Bought back and precious--

And that’s what You see.

His Child

Look at me--

Filthy

Clinging to sin.

Look at me--

Foolish

Broken again.

Look at me--

Wicked

Guilty and stained.

Look at me--

Worthless

Consumed with my pain.

This is the child

You see here today,

Rebellious and willful.

Still wanting her own way.

This is the sinner

You say You have loved,

Closed up and cold.

Treating lightly Your blood

And not only that

But You’ll also see

That I can do nothing--

I don’t have the remedy.

I cannot promise to mend all my ways

To be better still

Or redeem those lost days.

I cannot attempt to pay for my guilt

Not the whole of my being

Could take care of the bill.

So here I stand

With nothing to do.

Nowhere else to land.

Nothing could reach me here

Even though others hold out their hands.

This is how I feel

And it consumes me.

But is it all more real

Or does truth elude me.

And am I stuck because my eyes

Are only on me.

Look to Him--

He stands

Ready to save

Look to Him--

He lives

And has conquered the grave.

Look to Him--

He hears

Every tear stained prayer.

Look to Him--

He made you

And for every detail He cares.

He knows every shadow

Each sin in my heart.

Yet He still says there’s nothing

That can tear us apart.

Because despite every

Remaining sin

He has conquered them all

And He lives within.

So you see nothing I do

And nothing I am.

Can ever risk my falling

Out of His strong hand.