Facing Loss Again

The news breaks over me as I read the words on my phone screen.

I stop.

I read again.

Confused.

I read again.

In pain.

I read again.

As if reading it more would change the words and end the bad dream.

I close the phone.

I close my eyes.

And I face loss again.

I start to look for something to do.

Someone to tell. Something to fix it.

But I stop and instead move forward with my day. 

And now I sit.

And now I face loss again.

I've walked a similar path before.

I have met this strange thief.

The sorrow and pain of something you cherish being ripped from your hands.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I turned right from God.

I blamed Him and shook my fist at His so called care.

I turned to myself to take over His throne and I found sin to numb me instead.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I doubted His love.

I called Him a liar--I told Him I'm done.

Done trusting in Him and done believing His Word. 

And now I face loss again.

Is it different this time?

Am I still wanting to run?

Is it different this time?

In my heart will I turn from the Holy One?

The One who in all things has kept me in Him.

Who has sheltered and held me even when.

I spat on Him, mocked Him, and rebelled form His Word.

I hated Him, and used every pain He allowed as fuel to judge Him a liar.

As He emptied my hands--I balled them in fists.

I fought and I clamored.

His care did resist.

And where has it gotten me?

My first taste of pain.

My rebellion left me empty.

Soaked through with hard rain.

And now I face loss again.

Will I run or will I stay?

Whose voice will I choose to follow today?