Waiting on the Lord

I wait.

For a sign or reason--

some kind of push.

I wait.

For a hope or joy,

or a small breath behind me.

But I am still weak,

I am still doubting,

I am still scared

of things crashing around me.

Is this really the spot You want me to be?

Is courage the wrong thing to say that I need?

So here I am crying,

But turning to You.

Not knowing the answers,

But knowing You do.

Learning to trust

with the weight still upon me.

Learning to walk

while it's still dark and cloudy.

Learning to hope

when it's all still a strain.

Knowing You love me

That You know my frame.

Nothing is easy

right here in this place.

Here where I must

simply cry out for grace.

Trust through the pain.

Faith while it rains.

Here while I'm waiting,

for You.

Hand in Hand

It starts

The first wave breaking

past my head.

My soul knocked down,

My heart in dread.

The next wave pushes

even more--

My feet in chaos

My lungs are sore.

The next wave crashes

like glass on tile.

It shatters my hold.

It sets me on fire.

Again, again, again

they break,

over my soul,

there is no wake.

Again, again, again

I drowned.

Trapped in the water.

Ripped from the ground.

Then all at once

I look up and see

Someone walking--

coming straight towards me.

It is my Savior,

And I cry out His name!

He reaches His hand out

As the waves fall again.

Then as I clasp my hand

right in His--

I find somehow all of

the noise grows dim.

Because all of a sudden

I'm fixed on His face--

Caught by His love.

Held by His grace.

The waves are still there

infact stronger still.

But I'm not forsaken,

I am not killed.

Instead I am walking

still tightly in hand,

with the God of the sea

with the ruler of man.

And He holds me still

And I watch His face.

And kneel during battle

And sing of His grace.

"...We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed..." 2 Cor 4:8a

Both Healed and Released

The Hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can’t let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I know He can heal me;

I know I'll be cleansed.

But I can't bring my filth here;

I'm unclean within.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

I press through the crowds,

I sneak my hand in.

I reach for His garment;

I search for His hem.

Then suddenly feeling,

Deep from within,

A sudden while cleansing--

A new hope begin.

I shrink away quickly,

Content with this lift.

I got what I came for,

His healing was swift.

The hem, the hem,

Only the hem.

Can't let Him see me;

Can't let Him in.

“Who touched me?”

He questions, as I start to shake.

He knows what has happened,

I can't run away.

I kneel down and tremble,

I tell of if it all.

How I dared not to bother;

Just sought secret balm.

Then He looked at me closely,

He softened His face.

He spoke the word “daughter”

And outpoured His grace.

“Your Faith, it has healed you,

Go now in Peace.”

And I am His child now

Healed AND released.

See its not enough only

To seek out release;

Or to want only healing

And miss the real peace.

The Savior will call you

Out of your dark hole.

He’'ll hold you and teach you

That there’s so much more.

Within the word “daughter”

The true secret lay.

A heart fully captured

And thankful to stay.

Facing Loss Again

The news breaks over me as I read the words on my phone screen.

I stop.

I read again.

Confused.

I read again.

In pain.

I read again.

As if reading it more would change the words and end the bad dream.

I close the phone.

I close my eyes.

And I face loss again.

I start to look for something to do.

Someone to tell. Something to fix it.

But I stop and instead move forward with my day. 

And now I sit.

And now I face loss again.

I've walked a similar path before.

I have met this strange thief.

The sorrow and pain of something you cherish being ripped from your hands.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I turned right from God.

I blamed Him and shook my fist at His so called care.

I turned to myself to take over His throne and I found sin to numb me instead.

And now I face loss again.

Before when I faced it.

I doubted His love.

I called Him a liar--I told Him I'm done.

Done trusting in Him and done believing His Word. 

And now I face loss again.

Is it different this time?

Am I still wanting to run?

Is it different this time?

In my heart will I turn from the Holy One?

The One who in all things has kept me in Him.

Who has sheltered and held me even when.

I spat on Him, mocked Him, and rebelled form His Word.

I hated Him, and used every pain He allowed as fuel to judge Him a liar.

As He emptied my hands--I balled them in fists.

I fought and I clamored.

His care did resist.

And where has it gotten me?

My first taste of pain.

My rebellion left me empty.

Soaked through with hard rain.

And now I face loss again.

Will I run or will I stay?

Whose voice will I choose to follow today?

Brave

I've had a bad week. I know...it happens to everyone. But if you struggle with anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and the propensity to be bogged down by self-pity (like me); a bad week can turn into a nightmare that you can't escape from. Even the simplest of tasks (like getting out of bed) becomes nearly impossible to force yourself to do. Then there are those difficult tasks that even on a good week you would sweat over. Like studying for that huge test, completing the unrelenting mound of Spanish memorization, and writing a paper when you are way behind on the prep work....I could go on, but you get the picture.

So a bad week turns hard, then impossible, then awful...and then the guilt sets in. Our motto when things get tough is Nike's "just do it!" But saying that a million times in the week can cause it to lose its effectiveness.

You have to work so hard to convince yourself to complete these awful hard things that should be easy. Ah...should be...that's when the guilt comes...or the self-pity. You may start to think things like this: "I hate that things gets so hard for me; I wish my weaknesses didn't exist." Or "No one understands why this is so hard for me so they are judging me." Ever sound like that? I do......a lot. So I wrote this in a moment of deep self-pity and spiritual angst. It isn't supposed to be a theological antidote. It's just my emotional response to this week, pure and simple. Maybe you can relate. Your trial may not look like mine, but you may be going through something that is very difficult for you. And you may be thinking that no one knows what its like; that no one understands. That even God seems distant from your pain. But is that really true?


Do they see me being brave;
Those people that pass by?
Do they see me fighting voices,
That tare me till I cry?
Do they understand the darkness;
Do they look upon my chains?
Can they feel the shaking weakness,
That causes constant pain?
Do they see me being brave?

Does He see me being brave,
My Savior who seems lost?
Does He count the tear stained hours;
See the heart that's tempest tossed?
Can He teach me while I lie here?
Can He Redeem the pain?
Does my Savior still stay watching,
Will He come and will He save?
Does He see me being brave?

Did I see Him being brave,
That same One long ago?
When He took on all my filth;
When He walked that blood stained road?
Can I now shift all my focus;
Can I look right in His face?
Have faith in His whole purpose;
Submit to all His ways?
Do I see Him who is brave?


If you need more encouragement, go listen to this song by Jeremy Camp, called "He Knows": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsccUg4TDd8

Dear Daughter

Unrepentant sinner run,
To the nail scarred hands held out.
Reach in faith past all your doubts;
Let His grace sing in you now.
Let your stubborn pride fall silent,
Grasp the path He lays before you.
Hold no longer to your sin;
Run in, dear daughter, run in.

Unbelieving child come kneel,
At the feet of Him who calls.
Listen to His voice and teaching;
Let His words redeem your fall.
Embrace the tender truths He gives.
Don't let self-pity within you live.
Let your faith renew your grasp;
Hold fast, dear daughter, hold fast.

Repent! Believe! These things dear child,
I'm telling you to do.
But one more thing I'd have you know,
To understand the glue.
You know that God is calling you
To run and to hold fast.
That same dear Lord reminds you too,
That He is first and last.
His sacrifice and binding love
Will keep you in His fold.
And none can ever take from Him
His precious daughter's soul.

Emptied and Filled

Emptied and Filled

By Melanie Porter

My heart, my life, my treasured piece

Was taken in a blast.

I cried and fell and shivered

In the coldness that enwrapped.

My being, my entire self, lay breathless and undone.

I reached my fist toward Heaven,

And raged and cried and hung.

Then all at once I looked around and grasped what I had left.

“No more to trust thy sovereign hand,

I’ll fix this all myself.”

I tied up all the pieces and shoved away my God

And only fell and only fell

Further in the fog.

Foolish was I and my efforts in vain,

For try as I could and shove as I may,

My God right there He stood.

He sheltered me and cared for my needs

While all the time I fought Him.

He waited and watched as I fell to my knees

Breathless again and thwarted.

“I have wasted my days, I have spent all I have,

I have sinned my God before Thee.”

Then He opened my eyes and gave me new strength

And showed me all His mercy.

He brought me in close and whispered my name

And held me oh so tightly.

He showed me once more His scars and His pain

And helped me see Him rightly.

This God I had known the whole of my life

Came in close and taught me much more.

“My God now I see I must trust You alone,

I must trust You only, only.

I must trust You now, I must trust You then,

I must trust You fully, fully.

You emptied not my hands just now

To only see me suffer.

The only goal You had in mind

Was to fill me up with better.

And now as I go back again to all my work and pressure,

I pray dear God, I plead with You,

Oh, please protect this treasure.